


What's a Guy Gotta Do

by 3x3



Series: Help These Painfully Oblivious Souls [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, also this is super unedited I cringe, but hey i don't control the stories. they hijack my fingers, like he kinda jumps from one thing to another before remembering the first thing again, people who came for the fluff of this series are going to be pissed, so i feel like connor's the type of person who gets really flighty strings of thoughts?, so this story might feel a bit jumpy, yes i am that one jerk who writes angst on flipping valentine's day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 08:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13677987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3x3/pseuds/3x3
Summary: To keep his loved ones safe? Sometimes from himself.Connor ought to learn to keep his distance from those who weren't ruined by him yet.





	What's a Guy Gotta Do

**Author's Note:**

> Here comes the obligatory angst  
> find me on tumblr @whatbreadshouldiget whether it's to chat with me or scream at me  
> I did a bit of research on american prom season for this and apparently each school is different? I wouldn't know either way so  
> this is the most words i've written in such a short time praise me(x

Connor might’ve panicked.

When his actions finally settled down in his mind he might’ve completely freaked out and proceeded to fake amnesia before he made things even worse.

It wasn’t such a big deal, was it?

Was it so bad that he simply didn’t know how friendship worked?

Well Evan had been avoiding him for an entire week and Kleinman would shoot him the stink eye whenever he glanced over in their direction.

Yup. Totally fine.

* * *

 But in his defense he wasn’t in his right mind when it happened.

And he had faith to say that Evan hadn’t been completely coherent either.

He had a good reason to fake amnesia.

Because obviously everything was a product under alcohol, and as much as it pained him to say it, (and as real as it felt with his lips on Evan’s warm cheek...) Connor would rather it never happened in the first place.

What else was he supposed to do to save their entire friendship?

Connor had done the thing- the _one_ thing that was strictly prohibited, and by good reason, too.

it was all so new and so strange, since Connor never had to face any problem that came close to his current one. Well, obviously since he never had a friend before.

And he’d tried so hard not to screw up. He kept his emotions in check. He fought to keep himself in control, and he even made a effort to stop smoking so much because Evan hated it when he smoked. But alas Connor Murphy was destined to fail at everything he did because he just had to slip up and cross that fragile line. Friendship was sacred, everyone knew, even outcasts like Connor, ( _especially_ outcasts like Connor, who didn’t have spare ones to lose) and it was bad enough that he started harboring feelings that weren’t plainly platonic for his new and only friend who was undoubtedly off-limits, but he had to be stupid enough to actually try and make a move.

Sure he was intoxicated but that certainly didn’t excuse for his actions.

If only he had a time machine.

He could go back and stop his idiot-past-drunken-self from vomiting his feelings all over Evan.

No, scratch that, he could go back and prevent himself from emerging from his mother’s womb.

* * *

 To think that there was a giddy period of time that he was dumb enough to think that a little crush wouldn’t hurt anyone. That if he hid it real deep and secretive, no one would find out, and he could keep being around Evan. That’s why teenage was a mistake, and he should kill his hormones for convincing him to keep at it.

Crushes led to nowhere. Crushes on your _only friend_ should never have been allowed to bloom in the first place.

He’d known he wasn’t straight at a young age. It wasn’t that there was some big revelation or a certain figure that triggered it, but it was always there floating about in his subconscious, and when he’d been old enough to think about it, there was never a doubt that he wasn’t interested in girls.

To be fair he wasn’t really interested in guys either. He was generally uninterested in other people. He didn’t have any reason to be interested in them. The only thing he’d been kinda into was drugs and books. And that was pretty much the entirety of his social life, or rather, lack of.

That’s why Evan was so important, because he was practically the only link between Connor and the outside world.

(And he had a bit of a feeling that he might be Evan’s only link to the outside world as well.)

* * *

 Big deal. He could handle it. He’d been dealing with repressed feelings way too long to let them slip like some amateur. Connor had it covered. He was confident.

It was only challenging occasionally anyway. Like when Evan took his hand for the first time on that bus, trying to calm him down, and he was sure his fingers were burning by the time they got off. Or when the time he took Evan to the orchard as a surprised, considering the boy and his enthusiasm for trees, and Evan had beamed so wide at him, cheeks flushing with excitement with the setting sun painting his entire figure a soft fading orange; Connor almost forgot to breathe. Or when Evan invited him over to dinner after much stuttering, and they sat at his tiny dining table in the tiny dining room with his mother; they just talked and ate and the whole house felt more like home than his old boring bedroom ever did. Evan was so nervous for some reason, squirming around in his seat and Connor had to stifle his laughter because he had no idea why Evan was acting so embarrassed when all his lovely mother did was share all his adorable childhood adventures growing up.

Surprise surprise. Connor Murphy had emotions other than _anger_ and _severe anger_.

Neat.

Kind of troublesome and disturbing at times when he _really_ wanted to be focusing on what Evan was talking about the environment and trees but he was too distracted by the way the little tuft of hair sitting on Evan’s upper neck swished every time he shifted, too caught up in the passion lit in his eyes and the power in his speech when he wasn’t nervous about his words. He’d end up missing pretty much everything, and Evan would have this part exasperated part disappointed and part embarrassed look on his face and say _you weren’t really listening, were you?_ and Connor would feel awful because he really wanted to listen to Evan, it was just that there were a lot of things in his mind. So he would apologize, and ask Evan if he would be so kind to tell it to him again, and that _I’ll pay attention this time, I promise._ Evan would say it all over again, just for him, and the second time around, he was sure to be looking right into Connor’s eyes giving him no choice but to stare right back, and cling intently onto the boy’s every word like he promised.

So maybe Connor was a little bit screwed and had no idea how to handle the overwhelming fresh rainbow thoughts swirling around in his headspace.

But if there was one thing Connor learned from that overrated Disney movie, it’s _conceal, don’t feel._

And that was exactly what he planned on doing until the end of time.

Too bad his plans never went accordingly _once_ in his life, and he really should’ve learned _not to_ trust his impulse control.

* * *

 How in the world did he end up in this position again?

Right, because by some reason his past-self thought it was a good idea to ask Evan to prom.

And by some reason his past-self thought it was a good idea to follow _Jared Kleinman’s advice_.

His past-self made some regrettable life-choices.

That was why he shouldn’t have gone soft and let his little crush grow into a full on infatuation.

Because once he caved in he just got in deeper and deeper until there was no way to escape. (He didn’t _want_ to escape.)

And he fed himself lies. He let himself believe that maybe it was alright.

Then Connor got greedy.

He thought maybe he could dip his toe into the water a little further.

He took baby steps, but steps all the while.

Sometimes they hurt, like when he casually tried to brush their fingers together while Meg was belting her denial out loud on TV, and Evan had immediately pulled back like he was zapped or something. (Connor pretended that he didn’t even notice, but somewhere in his heart, he thought that he might be bleeding.)

Other times they brought so much to Connor’s (most likely) dead and gray heart he felt like he was bursting open with colors. Hair ruffling and shoulder nudges, little jabs and pokes here and there. Like normal friends. Very much like normal friends. Except normal friends didn’t feel their heartbeats racing faster when one of them so as much as smiled in the other’s direction. Normal friends didn't have steamy dreams about the other friend.

He even thought that he was making _progress_.

That if he kept it up maybe he had a bit of a shot.

Everyone thought the changes he started making were magical, were nothing short of a wonder. He thought so too, and they were _insane_ , for Connor had given up on himself a long long time ago, and there must be some kind of voodoo magic in Evan to relight that fire of defiance in him, so he could keep fighting his sick mind, to try and be _better_.

Connor thought that he would really do anything to make Evan happy. He attended classes, he _paid attention_ to some of his teachers, he stopped scowling at everyone in the hallways (“Despite what your paranoia is telling you, Connor, not everyone is out to get you.” Evan said, and he had a sad little smile on his lips that Connor really wanted to get rid of, “Believe me, I know that most people don’t even let random strangers pass their minds, let alone actively trying to trip them up.”), he went and bought Zoe peace-offerings.

“I can’t have a better relationship with your sister than you, Connor.”

“Oh?” he raised his eyebrows at that. “And when did you start to get all chummy with my sister?”

Evan flushed red, and Connor felt something nasty bubbling in his throat. “She’s, um. She’s really nice, is all I’m saying.”

He didn’t push on, but the nasty bubbling didn’t go away. Curse his hormones for acting up. If there was anything going on, Evan would’ve told him anyway, but he was unreasonable like that, so he let his childish mind throw a tantrum.

Connor still listened to Evan, and began by apologizing to his sister. They were a long way from being okay again but it was going good so far.

Evan was so happy about Connor trying to repair his bond with his sister, his entire figure was glowing, and Connor felt his heart drop a little lower in his stomach for how utterly _fucked_ he was.

* * *

 His past self was sort of an idiot. Well, not for being more tolerable to other people, that was actually pretty decent for a guy like Connor, but there was just no logical explanation for his idiotic pursuit after Evan.

His present self had a much more sensible mind.

* * *

 And what if he spent the rest of the night in bed feeling sorry for himself?

* * *

 Okay fine, he was being a huge pussy by hiding away the next day.

There were 25 unread texts and 3 missed calls.

Connor knew how much Evan hated phone calls.

The only thing he texted back was a short and curt apology about how his memories were fuzzy and he didn’t got a clue what happened the previous night.

He was a coward. _That’s_ what he was. A coward and a wimp and an asshole.

Even _Connor_ would’ve hated Connor.

He spent _that_ night crying and screaming on the top of his lungs, slamming his fists into his pillows again and again and again because Evan would flip if he found out that Connor punched the walls.

(He thought he might’ve heard Zoe’s careful footfalls from the outside his room, might’ve heard her tentatively sit back against the door until his throat was all raw and sore and his eyes were bright red and puffy and his fingernails left little crescent dents in his palms)

 _There was the teenage bullshit he was waiting for_.

* * *

 The worst part was that some part in Connor hadn’t given up yet.

That small part somehow latched on to the surprised yet accepting look in Evan’s gaze when Connor blurted out his dumb ass feelings.

That small part somehow kept bouncing in Connor’s mind about how Evan never jolted away when Connor tried to kiss him on the cheek.

That small part was stupid. It was part of the remains of Connor’s past-self, the one that made the regrettable choices. Connor didn’t trust it at all.

Who would want _Connor’s_ affections anyway? He was violent, emotional, and had serious anger management issues, with paranoia and depression sprinkled on top. He’d never know how to treat someone right. He’d end up yelling at them, and driving them away, like he had done to all the important people in his life.

Connor didn’t want that for Evan too.

How had he let all that pass his mind in the first place? How did he manage to deceive himself into thinking that he had a chance of being normal like everybody else?

Evan. Evan didn’t treat him like a monster or a freak, and Evan _befriended him._ Evan made him think that he might be just another ordinary school boy, because _why else_ would he smile at Connor like that? Like he mattered, like Evan was glad that he was there.

Connor decided that Evan must be a very skillful liar.

* * *

Then he returned back to normal after that entire day of bawling his eyes out.

Well, mostly normal.

He’d admit he was acting a bit colder than he usually did, but that was how he usually acted around people who weren’t Evan, and how he acted on his bad days, so Evan should be fine.

He asked Connor if there was anything bothering him, and the concern pooling in his eyes almost made Connor crack, but he was able to brush him off. Evan looked upset, and Connor felt guilty for making Evan upset. Yet another reason to fake amnesia, so he wouldn’t be able to make Evan more upset than he was at the moment.

He knew his feelings had to go.

And if he could convince himself to become a pining idiot, he could get himself back to normal. Connor started with small things, like he always did when he was venturing into new territory. (Except in this case, it was more of a journey back to his old self.)

He was generally quieter, and he made sure to always keep himself at arm’s length _at minimum_. He didn’t try to ask Evan out to places with him anymore, and he made a bigger effort to make peace with Zoe so he could tag along in the car as much as possible.

Connor had been right all along, in all those countless arguments with Evan about whether he still had a soul or not. (Spoiler: he didn’t. It never existed in the first place.)

The worst part was always the hurt flashing in Evan’s eyes, which made no sense to Connor at all, because why would Evan feel hurt in the first place?

Right, because Connor accidentally let Evan think that he wasn’t all bad, and what was that saying about how you couldn’t disappoint if there weren’t any expectations in the first place?

Well, better late than never to expose the truth, he got that.

What he _didn’t get_ was why there were so many nosy shitheads on his ass.

 

Zoe he understood. She was his sister, and as absurd as it sounded, she cared for his well-being despite the years of terrorizing and verbal-abuse. She really shouldn’t, as Connor had told her multiple times already. If a guy didn’t treat her right, she’s gone, no apologies accepted. But she’d argued back that Connor wasn’t just _a guy_ , but her brother, therefore had a fair amount of chances if he bothered to make an effort. (“Fair does not mean _unlimited_ , Zoe.” He told her with a sigh. “It’s not unlimited. It’s just more than most people get, and it’s all thanks to your DNA.” She gave him a pat on the arm.)

Connor hated making _Zoe_ worry.

And she had been looking at him with so much uncertainty, asking silent questions with her animated eyes, like she wanted to confront him and tell him to spill the beans about what’s going on with him, but she feared that it’d ruin all that they’d been trying to patch up the past few months.

He hated making her feel like she couldn’t just go to him like normal brother and sisters, and that she still had to tiptoe around him.

“I’m alright, Zoe, if that was the question you wanted to convey through your intense staring.”

She immediately got defensive. “I wasn’t-” then she seemed to realize that she had nothing to be riled up for, and slacked her shoulders. “That’s good to hear, Connor.” she didn’t sound particularly assured by that, but she did stop aiming those stormy gazes in Connor’s direction. “Just- If you have something on your mind, you can tell me?” It was more of a question than a statement.

She was still afraid. She had reason to be. As much spunk as he knew his sister possessed, Connor had hurt her badly, and she was feeling fragile around him.

There was blood on the tip of his tongue.

 

Kleinman he _didn’t_ understand.

What business did Kleinman have with him? Ever?

Just because they decided the printer incident was a dumb thing to get hung over about, or because Evan was friends with both of them didn’t mean they were suddenly buddies.

Kleinman was a huge part of the reason to why Connor was as pathetic as he was today anyway.

And as concluded above, there was absolutely no justification to why Kleinman was found tapping away on his phone, leaning against Connor’s locker after third period.

He didn’t do so much as lift his head as Connor got near.

“Well, well.” he droned, dragging out his breath, “Whatever happened to wooing tree boy?”

“What the hell do you want, Kleinman?”

He wasn’t too pissed. Yet.

The teen finally stood up fully, peeling himself off the metal doors. He eyed Connor dubiously. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten all your training. Whatever this new tactic is,” he gestured to Connor vaguely. “it sure as hell ain’t working _at all._ Not that I’m doubting you and your seduction skills but you _may_ want to try a different approach.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Pray tell, why do you even bother with me?”

Kleinman looked at him as if he were an idiot, which felt much more offensive than he would’ve felt had it been anyone else with that look. “Duh, I’m on your side.” He furrowed his brows. “Wait, no. I’m actually on _Evan’s_ side. But Evan’s side is your side so same difference. Point is, I can only help with what I know for certain, and if neither of you are going to tell me what’s wrong, how would I be able to give sound advice?”

“ _Nothing’s wrong, okay?_ ” He jerked on his locker door violently, and swung it open. It bounced a little and knocked him back on the elbow. “ _Fuck_.”

“You’re being a little too harsh to the poor thing, no wonder it’s rebelling.”

Connor whipped his head. “Kleinman.” he spat. “Evan’s side is not _my side_ or whatever’s going on in your little rant. Honestly don’t you ever get sick of this sick game you play where you _think_ you can control _anyone_ , even the school _freak_? Well, _fuck you_.”

 

Alana Beck he _really didn’t understand._

She came _searching_ for him, catching him at the front gates. “Connor.” she called out to him, catching up with him in hurried steps.

He glared down at the short girl. She seemed unaffected.

She was one of the very few people that didn’t go racing for the hills when Connor glared at them.

“Beck.” he greeted. “To what do I I owe the pleasure?”

“Oh. Nothing much.” her words were as choppy as ever, like sharp quick bullets hitting for their targets. “I’ve just been a little concerned for our fellow classmate, Evan Hansen?”

Connor felt himself stiffen, but Beck didn’t seem to notice at all, syllables loud and clear. “He’s in my Biology class, and he seems to be behaving strangely, like he’s having trouble focusing? Which is strange, because he _always pays close attention_ , but these days he’s just zoning off. It worries me a little. He claims that he’s okay, but I still find it odd. Jared Kleinman suggested I talk to you about it. So, any clues?”

_Fucking. Jared. Kleinman._

What did the world have against him.

What was his crime for being a normal teenage boy this _once in his life_?

There’s an ugly feeling wiggling up into his brain like a virus, and he waited around helplessly as it settled in slowly, numbing his senses and riling up his anger.

“Beck.” he heard his own mouth growl but he could’ve sworn he didn’t move his lips.

“Yes?”

“Tell Kleinman to mind his own fucking business. I have _nothing to do with it._ I _want nothing to do with it_. And maybe think twice before you go around pestering the potential school shooter, because _he’s just so much fun to be messing around with_.”

Then Connor was gone before he could hear another word from her.

* * *

 People were actually taking notice of him now. At least three people were- or four, counting Evan.

Connor didn’t really know how he felt about it.

Probably pitiful.

And if all these people went through the trouble of interrogating Connor, it was only a matter of time before Evan finally caught a chance that he couldn’t escape from and did the same.

He was dreading that moment.

* * *

That moment wasn’t pretty at all.

There was a lot of yelling.

For the first time since Connor knew the boy, Evan was screaming his lungs out.

“ _Why would you do this to me? Why?_ ”

“Do _what, Evan?_ What do you _fucking think I did_?”

“Why would you pretend to befriend me? And when you think you’ve had enough fun, you’re tossing me aside so you could _watch me slowly break to pieces, is that it?_ ”

“What the _fuck, Evan?_ ” he felt his eyes bulge out, but Evan wasn’t faltering at all. He shook his head rapidly, like he was hiding from something, and his eyes flickered in distraught. “No, I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I’m trying to say, but… What _is this_ that you’re doing, Connor?” he asked helplessly, tone pleading and dreadful at the same time. “Why aren’t you telling me anything?”

“Because I don’t want to fuck you up, okay? This was a mistake from the start. I shouldn’t be allowed to have friends. I shouldn’t be allowed to be _near_ anyone. I’m like a fucking black hole, Evan.”

“I’ve _told you that you’re not_!” Evan threw his hands up. “So what was all that for? Did that count for _nothing_? I’m useless, that’s what. I can’t even make you see something that was true all along.” his voice died down, and his shoulders gave a little tremor.

Connor felt all the fight die down instantly, and he desperately wanted to just hold the teen in his arms and feed him whispers of how things will get better, even when Connor knew they won’t. He clenched his fists.

“I didn’t want anything to change.” he said weakly. “I was careless, and I’m sorry about what I did at prom, okay? I’m just trying to make things right.”

There were equal portions of shock and betrayal on Evan’s face. “You remember.”

And Connor did. So he nodded. “I thought it was necessary to dismiss what happened. I still do. I couldn’t risk losing you.”

“Why did you think you would lose me?” Evan was almost laughing now- not the happy kind, but the outrageous kind. “That makes no sense whatsoever. Okay, we can pretend it never happened, if that makes you happy. We can pretend that that entire night never happened.”

Connor bit the insides of his mouth to stop himself from screaming out loud. “We _can’t, okay?_ As much as I tried to ignore it, it was still there implanted in my brain and I want it _gone_. And it isn’t just that. I just _can’t fuck you up._ I can’t.”

Evan’s expression might as well as be a reaction of being slapped. “Right. So let’s just pretend that this whole thing never happened. Let’s pretend I never even set foot on to that bus in the first place. Let’s just wipe out all these past months if the memories disgust you so much.”

“ _I didn’t say they disgust me._ ” There was something clawing from Connor’s insides, repeatedly and continuously. He thought that he might just pop open and leave his organs splattered all over the floor.

Evan dropped his head. “ _I yelled at Jared for this._ ”

He was full on sobbing now.

“I yelled at Jared because I thought he was being unfair to you. I _tried to defend you because I know that this isn’t who you are._ But if you’re not letting me help you-”

He wiped on his sleeves furiously. “Why am I wasting my energy?” It came out as a broken gasp, Connor’s face dropped.

This was it.

They’d both disappointed each other so much.

There was no fixing this.

* * *

 Connor temporarily wondered if it was possible to die from crying so much

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! : )  
> dw this isn't the end yet  
> Sometimes when you get stuck in a certain mood it seems impossible to feel better ever again, but things will eventually turn around. Find someone to talk to. Get your mind off the feeling. Do something that interests you. Please look out for yourselves. <3


End file.
